Wednesday, September 11, 2013
So I am a day late, but I had not time to write this out yesterday, but still wanted to share so here is Tuesday Testimony a day late
If you missed my last Tuesday Testimony I am starting from where I left off. I left off that I was in my third trimester of my second child and my husband had told me he wanted a divorce.
A lot happened in a very short amount of time from when he told me it was over to when my second child was born. The situation would have been tremendously hard even if I had not been pregnant, but adding that into it made the whole situation even more difficult. I now look back at this time and realize that being in my final trimester in a way made me stronger. I had to be strong and there were things that I had to decide I couldn't control and let them go. God's timing is perfect. If I accept that than I also have to accept that the timing of all of it was as it should be. I can't say that I am ok with that! :-) In fact there are times when I think about it that it really gets my blood boiling, but the truth is having a small child about to come into the world made me keep my head on straight and not give up. I knew that the Lord loved me and he would not give me more than I could handle. I had many conversations with the Lord that started with," I guess you think I can handle A LOT... I guess that is a compliment, but really I don't think I can take anymore. It was those conversations... I was bluntly honest with God...that I gained the most peace and insight about what was going on in my life. I have learned from that if I am honest and come to God with an open heart talking with him he will show you what you need, and he will give you peace about the things that you can not control or change.
I was not ready to get a divorce, in fact I did not give up even after the divorce was final up to a point. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I thought was right. Divorce did not fit into that. It definitely did not fit into what I wanted for my kids, but I was not the person making the choices that were pulling us apart. Family is one of the most important things to me, and seeing my family being ripped apart in front of my eyes was so hard. I didn't want that kind of future for my boys. I couldn't believe that my X wanted or could be ok with that. It was something that was so out of his character.
During the first few weeks and for some people all the way until my son was born I didn't tell or talk about what was going on. I told my Mom a few weeks after he told me. When he was sure... see after he told me the next week he was taking a week to "think" he was going out of town for work and was going to think about things. I was hoping so much that he would come back and have a different outlook on things. We definitely had problems, but I wasn't ready to give up on us. I somehow felt like if I told someone else it would make it real. The people at my work didn't know until after my son was born. I didn't tell any of them because it was hard enough for me to get through the day and I felt like if I had to deal with "the looks" and people saying they were sorry that I would be an even bigger mess. I was a huge mess!
After he told me that it was over I can specifically remember that week after. I would be sitting at my desk at work and suddenly feel the tears coming. I'd get up and go hide outside in the back of the building. Until I felt like I could hold it together and then I would go back in. No one said anything. If they noticed they took the prego hormones excuse as the reason. I looked horrible... puffy eyes red nose. Really just a huge mess. When I did tell my Mom I spent most of that conversation crying. I can't imagine how hard that call must have been for my Mom!
When I think back on the time when I felt like I couldn't share this with my coworkers, family...Even his family. I wish I would have told them. Having support from those who love you and care about you is very important. It can make a situation that is hard bearable. I felt at the time like I didn't want to share because I was ashamed. I felt like such a failure. I didn't realize then that we all fail. We all go through hard times and that having your family and friends to help you through it makes the hard time the failure and feelings easier to get through. Surround yourself with people who love you, understand you, and who will uplift you. When you are going through a rough time you should be able to trust the people who are around you to be not just for you but back you 100% That said. It is good to have those friends who you know no matter what will tell you the complete and total truth. When it's time to make hard decisions having people who will not just tell you what you want to hear but what is the truth is so important.
I also want to share that no matter what your situation is there is always hope. You may feel like you are in a deep dark pit that is never ending and you can't see a way out, but do not give up hope. There is a way out you just can't see it yet. Have faith God is in control! Look to him for comfort and for guidance. I am living proof that even the really bad stuff can work out. Life can turn out in ways that you never thought possible. I am remarried and expecting another child. My kid's are doing great! I am happy and life is good. There are still times that are hard. Times when the things that happened hurt like they were fresh, but life is so much better than I could have dreamed it could be during that time when it seemed like my whole life was falling apart. Keep your chin up. Get up everyday and keep going. Even if your only goal for the day is to just get through it that is an accomplishment. Each day is a gift from God!
All of this blog are my opinions, memories, and feelings. I am sharing these in hopes of helping people who may have gone or may be going through a hard time in life. I am not sharing any of this because I want to hurt anyone. I am not like that and would never dream of sharing something with a purpose of being hurtful in any way.